


Journey for the Magical Potato

by HorsefaceTheAssassin



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: AOT crack, Betrayal, Failed AOT universe, Freckles Jesus, Funny, Gen, Horseface, Jean Is A Horse, Levi x Lysol (not really XD), Memes, Potatoes, Senpaism, Unicorns, XD, au kinda, crackfic, levi rage, wtf is this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-21
Updated: 2016-04-21
Packaged: 2018-06-03 16:50:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6618562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HorsefaceTheAssassin/pseuds/HorsefaceTheAssassin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>~Attack on Titan Crackfic~<br/>Everything was peaceful in the land. And then it all went down.<br/>A fight against boredom has dragged Jean into a battle for a magical starch. He, Connie, and Sasha must right a wrong, and Jean will find his inner horse on the way. Meanwhile, people have gone missing, organizations are hidden below the public eye, and a certain captain is mourning cleanliness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Journey for the Magical Potato

**Author's Note:**

> WELCOME TO CRACKLAND. I am the queen ;3 . So, this is an AOT Crackfic. I tried to be funny, random, and all that Jazz. THIS IS MY FIRST FANFIC. Errors? Move on. ~I APPRECIATE FEEDBACK~ if you can't say anything nice, CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. There will be inaccuracy and OOC, because this is A JOKE. The WHOLE PLOT, Is a godamn JOKE! Try to laugh XD anyway, go on, read!  
> -IMPORTANT- the story follows a few different events

\---------------------------------  
Jean Kirschtein had a secret. Since he was a little boy, Jean had always wanted to be a horse. Later Jean learned he was one eighth horse. Don't ask how. All Jean wanted was to prance around gloriously with a fabulous mane. Horseface, his nickname, was no coincidence. Jean was a stallion, with undying swag, and he wouldn't deny it. Perhaps Jean could use his horseness for good one day.. Maybe.. One day.. And it turned out he would get to. 

The day started like this: Jean woke up to being wacked viciously in the face by someone's hand. Jean groaned 

"What the hell?!" He huffed. He then looked up to see none other than Sasha Browse. 

"What do you want potato girl?" Hissed Jean.

"My name is Sasha!! Not potato girl!" Sasha yells quietly, since everyone else was still asleep and she didn't want to get caught in the boy's bunks. "Look horse face, potatoes are a serious matter. Especially when it comes to me. I am the all powerful, queen of potatoes!" Sasha grinned, with complete sincerity. Jean scoffed 

"Queen of potatoes? Are you high again?" said Jean with a snicker. Sasha threw a potato at him, it bounced off Jean's head and land on the bed beside him. Not without leaving a mark... A small cut.

"Agh... What's wrong with that potato?! Is that EVEN a potato?!" Asked Jean. 

"It isn't like any other potato.. It's a magical potato, and I only have one left. I had another, but it was stolen by bandits.." Sasha said in a serious tone.

"Magical potatoes?! Wow.. You're really serious..?" Awed Jean. Still slightly sarcastic... But debating his beliefs.

"yes, completely," says Sasha. Jean slightly bows 

"well, potato queen, I hadn't known you were royalty." Jean wasn't completely convinced, but this would be interesting. There wasn't much happening with Levi on vacation, so he was bored. This seemed like some crazy shit, which sounded appealing right now.

"There are more important matters horse face. As I said, these potatoes are magical, they are rare and special. I'm selling them. Be-" "if your some 'queen' don't you have money?" "I come from farmers! Nobody makes jack shit in the business! I gotta get the gold somehow. LET ME TALK-" Jean smirked.

"Being the potato queen I can make them, but it isn't easy. And I will never disrespect a potato and give it to someone who didn't pay. Every person who takes a potato must pay $10. But someone disrespected the potatoes.. A bandit.. This bandit stole one of my potatoes!! I would go get it, but I don't feel like it. So, horse face, would you go retrieve my precious potato with Connie?" Requested Sasha. She was completely serious, and slightly tired. After all, she had to find some things for the journey. But Sasha couldn't go find things herself, she had... Business... To  
deal with.

"..what's in it for me?" Asked Jean. He wasn't the kind type. "you serve a queen, also, did you not want to be a horse? Use your horseness for good?" Answered Sasha. 

"HOW DID YOU KNOW?!" screams Jean. She knows, how does she know?! "Shhh... The children sleep.." She whispers.

"I know all things. I ate a magical potato," replied Sasha. 

"Wait, why would Connie go?" Asked Jean. Connie probably had something more stupid he could be doing... Why would he help?

"Because he has a crush on me. Also he's stupid. I find it cute unlike you, who's too stuck up to do so," answers Sasha. She sticks her nose up in disgust.

"Oh.. Hey! I'm not THAT arrogant.. Well, ok, Sasha your putting a lot of pressure on me! I mean-" Jean began.

"shush, Jean, we will talk at breakfast. Connie will be there, all will be answered then," said Sasha, she then walked away.

That morning at 6:30am Jean searched the cafeteria for Sasha and Connie. He spotted them at a table in the corner, bearing serious expressions, they motioned for him to come sit. 

"Ayyy Jean! I'm glad you came," said Sasha. 

"Um.. Yeah, sure," replied Jean awkwardly. 

"Horse face! Good to see ya, so, I hear your an ACTUAL horse!! Dude when the heck did that junk happen?" Greeted Connie. 

"What? Wait, h-how did you know I was one eighth horse?!" Muttered Jean. 

"well.. You look like a horse, also Sasha told me," replied Connie calmly. 

"Ugh, today all my secrets are spilled.. And for god sakes stop calling me horse face! It's Jaeger's job to be obnoxious," said Jean. Meanwhile, somewhere, Eren's horseface senses tingled.

"Well whatever! We have some things to discuss guys! Now, I've told you both about my missing potato, yes?" Began Sasha 

"yeah, tell us the details Sasha," said Jean. 

"Well you see.. I was selling potatoes yesterday, three men approached me. One of the men pushed me to the ground and other took my potato. I was gonna go after them but it was before lunch and I was really hungry, I was like dyyyiiinnnggg!! So I couldn't run and stuff and basically they went north with my precious potato. Anyways.. So they robbed me, but I need that potato back. Will you guys find it for me?" Requested Sasha 

"I'm not just gonna get your potato without knowing anything or getting anything!" Said Jean 

"Awwww come on Jeeeaaaannnn!!! Don't be such a pain! Can't you just do it?" Begged Sasha 

"yeah, Jean! Seriously!" Said Connie. 

"Heh, no way!" Said Jean 

"OH MY GOD JEAN YOU SUCK!!" Yelled Connie. 

"At least I'm not as GULLIBLE AND STUPID AS YOU BALDIE!!!" Yelled Jean 

"YOU WANNA GO HORSE FACE?!" Screeched Connie 

"YOU'RE ON IDIOT!!" Fumed Jean. 

"STOP!!" Screamed Sasha, she screamed so loud the entire cafeteria went quiet. The two boys stopped and stepped away from each other. 

"You two are being loud and annoying as fuck! And you're gonna have to work with one another so you'd better pull yourselves together for the sake of potatoes!" Exclaimed Sasha. 

"You're right Sasha.." Said Jean 

"yeah.. Sorry.." Muttered Connie. 

"Good, now, you guys will do what I ask?" Asked Sasha 

"Heck yeah! You're the potato queen, Sasha! That's freaking awesome! Why wouldn't I go save a magical potato for the hell of it?" Agreed Connie 

"I have to work with this airhead.."  
Jean moaned.

"DAMN RIGHT YOU DO."  
Connie spat back.

"Jean, will you do it?" Asked Sasha 

"I stand by my opinion, what do I get out of it?" Asked Jean 

"Jean.. Don't you want to honour your horse ancestors?" Asked Sasha 

"Pfft. Nah," said Jean. Sasha slammed her hand down on the table. 

"JEAN KIRSCHTEIN YOU ARE A HORSE!! YOU CANNOT ESCAPE IT!! NOW, ARE YOU GONNA BE A HERO? OR ARE YOU GONNA BE AN ARSE?!" Screamed Sasha, again, spreading silence. For some reason, Marco appeared in Jean's mind. 

"Hey Jean, remember when you told me about your horse dreams? I always believed you could be a horse. You can ride like a horse today, you can be a hero!" Exclaimed Marco 

"Marco.. You're right. Thank you, freckled Jesus.. I just need to be a hero.. Hero.." 

"..hero..." Answered Jean 

"GOOD!!" She yelled. Suddenly, commander Keith Shadis entered the room. 

"ALRIGHT MAGGOTS!! WHO'S CAUSIN' ALL THE RUCKUS?!" Yelled Shadis. The crowd pointed to Sasha, Jean, and Connie.

Shadis slowly walked over. "What are you shitheads doing?!" He yelled. 

"We're not doing anything SIR!" Yelled Sasha 

"Yeah? Well this NOISE SAYS OTHERWISE!!" Yelled Shadis 

"SIR NOTHING IS-" 

"DON'T LIE TO ME YOU BRAT!!!" 

"SIR I'M TELLING THE TRUTH-" 

"NO, I SEE THE LIE IN YOUR EYES!!!!!" The two screeched at each other. 

"YOU LET ME TALK YOU NASTY BALD MAN!!!" Screamed Sasha. Everyone gasped. Shadis looked enraged 

"it's going dooowwnnn..." Whispered Connie to Jean.

"YOU DON'T INSULT ME POTATO GIRL!!!" Sasha gave him a death glare 

"BITCH I'LL MAKE YOU PAY WITH MY BEAUTIFUL POTATOES!!!" screeched Sasha. She runs over to the potato container. 

"Jean, Connie!! Here, take this and find my potato!" Yelled Sasha before she began to launch potatoes at Shadis. Jean picked up the map she tossed them. 

"I had to do some HARDCORE stalking to find this!" Sasha added. 

"Connie, this can guide us to the bandits!" Jean seemed pleased. 

"Yeah! Sasha I'm totally gonna get your potato!!" Yelled Connie. 

"Quickly, leave now and retrieve my sacred starch! Leave before the potato war gets serious!" Cried Sasha. With that, Connie and Jean left the walks into the outdoors, where they were to travel through the forest. Meanwhile, Sasha kept on throwing potatoes at Shadis and insulting him, while he dodged them and battled back verbally. Eventually, Reiner and Bertolt had to hold down Sasha until she stopped kicking, then they sent her off to train. Once Sasha got to the training ground she made sure she was alone, the then got down on her knees 

"please, freckled Jesus, let Jean and Connie find my sacred potato.." Whispered Sasha, she then rose to go train. And so, there they were. Connie and Jean were walking through the castle towards the exit. 

"Oh SHIIIIEEEETTT!! Jean! Jean! JEEAANNN!!!" Said Connie 

"WHAT?!"

"I broke my maneuver gear blade again!!" Exclaimed Connie dramatically. 

"Again?! Connie, what the hell?! This is the twenty third time you broke it!!" ScoldedJean angrily. 

"I knooowww, would you stop bothering me about it? I'm sure someone's broken their blade more times than me.." Muttered Connie.

"Actually Connie I don't think anyone else has broken their blade more times than you. Because nobody else is STUPID ENOUGH to break their blade so much!!!" Jean was sick of his crap.

"Jean you MEANIE!!" Connie gasped. Jean sighed heavily 

"well whatever. Why does it matter if you broke it again? Can't you get a replacement at the base?" Asked Jean 

"Weellll... No. I tried getting a replacement but Erwin was there and he was all like 'MEEEHH CONNIE YOUR SO FRIGGIN IRRESPONSIBLE AND YOU BROKE TOO MANY SWORDS AND YOU GOTTA BUY YOUR OWN REPLACEMENT AND MY EYEBROWS ARE UGLY MEEEHHH!!!' Y'know?" Answered Connie. 

"Are you kidding me?! Erwin got eyebrows on fleek- I mean, so now I have to tag along on your little adventure for a new blade?! Ugh.. Dude your a major pain," said Jean. "Likewise whoresface."  
Connie was lucky Jean didn't catch that. He then perked up.

"So you'll come with me?!" Asked Connie. 

"I have a choice?" Asked Jean hopefully. Of course, he didn't, there was no escape.

"There is no option." Connie smiled creepily. 

"Fiiiinnneee.. But you have to do me a favour," said Jean 

"ok, what?" Asked Connie. "On our way I want you to SHUT THE HELL UP!!" Replied Jean. "Bu-" "NO!! I said SHUT UP!! I'm sick of you blabbing about how everying is 'SO FREAKING COOL HOLY SHHIIIEEETTT!!' Alright?!" Yelled Jean. Connie simply nodded and the two headed towards the wall gate. "Asshole..."  
\---------------------------------


End file.
